i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
