Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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