Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
