I cannot find my penis.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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