You made me cry and you don't even care
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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