Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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