And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
