I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
