I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
