dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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