Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Randomize
