My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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