The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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