the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My cat gives me a boner
someone owes me an orgasm
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
