I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i've created a new STD.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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