She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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