hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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