I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
