u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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