I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Randomize
