either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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