Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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