he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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