when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
