If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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