Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
