I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
