they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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