I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
