you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize