i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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