Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
