when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
