Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So much rum. So many feels.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
