drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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