The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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