Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
