you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
