Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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