if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
