I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And then my night got REAL pukey
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
