Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
