That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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