Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
