My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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