Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
