Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i think i just lost a toe
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
