He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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