There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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