last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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