remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
