3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
