They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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