i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
