weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
