Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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