I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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