I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't deserve a penis
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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