For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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