I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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