so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize