STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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