I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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