smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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