Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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