He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
