There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
