I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
