Tell her she can't have a vagina
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
