So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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