im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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