it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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