Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
