I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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